I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
