LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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