a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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