Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
