Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I have already put on my inside pants.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
