bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
