the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
