Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
