Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
