I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
