does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
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NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
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