I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need water and some morals
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
