I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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