You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
