Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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