I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
