you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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