How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I cannot find my penis.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
