Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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