Don't make out with my wife yet
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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