she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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