Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
