I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
