Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
