your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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