the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
