I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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