So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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