when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
