You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
