You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
