you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
