oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
