Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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