Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
