Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Randomize
