Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
