Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
