so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
