Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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