I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
