why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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