I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
