I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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