On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
