So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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