Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i was born a porn star she said
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
then he tried to convert me to islam
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
