Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
