Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
