whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
