Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
