Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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