is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
