I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
