I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
