My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
