i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
