oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize
