If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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