He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
